Monday 6 November 2017

Believe

Today was a hard day for me. The whole working from home thing experienced some tech issues last week, so there was a lot of pressure to fix things and catch up on projects today. Then we had some last minute "scheduling issues" meaning my schedule is already changed and I am here 4 days this week instead of the planned 3. One more day off won't  hurt the Bridget pony, right? There are also rumblings from some at work that things weren't properly approved higher up and I should not be "allowed" to work from home part time at all. Gotta love corporate structure. Then, as I left for the night, I got a sort of dismissive email response regarding the job I applied for in my hometown. So, I'm feeling pretty down and out. I try my best at everything I do and I don't like feeling that my best is not good enough.

B cares not what anyone thinks or how much work there is to do...I need to follow her example!

Of course, this being a horse blog, the above does tie in to tonight's story, I promise.

My lesson tonight was on Audrey, and was the circle of death revisited. While we warmed up, EC and I discussed my wish to just be able to live like a normal person: work, ride my horse, have dinner with my husband, you know, living in the same town and stuff. I mentioned needing to be patient in hopes I can make it work with my current job, but also wishing for a Plan B, just in case I reach the breaking point. EC has been encouraging me to re-consider doing the horsey thing full time for quite a while, and re-voiced her opinion that I'd be good at coaching at that she'd happily mentor me - there's a huge gap/opportunity in my home town for lessons and boarding and it's close enough geographically that we could work together a bit.

She's a pretty awesome human, because right then I went from being really discouraged to feeling good about life. I'm not sure horses as a job is a direction I need to explore, or even if it really would be something I'd be good at, but some days you really just need to know someone out there believes in you!

Ohhh, you said to teach the barn rats to ride, not the barn cats.

Then, of course, I rode like sh!t. Like epically bad, maybe the worst ever in my life. And pony took full advantage. And rather than fixing it, I went right back to "I can' t do anything right, why do I even try...oh my goodness what is wrong with me....blah blah blah...maybe just being in a fetal position and not actually steering is the answer? No? Then obviously I am out of options and useless at this..." :)

I wanted to cry. Instead, I did my best to let it go, and listen to EC's advice. I sucked it up, disciplined the naughty pony, owned that circle of death,  and then tried to make it look good. Mostly, I think I just needed to get out of my head and actually believe I could ride Audrey through whatever was coming, because once I got it, it was easy.

Cantering 4 poles on the ground wasn't really the goal of the lesson. But, mentally that's where I was at today, so when I found that small success, that's where I opted to finish. I'm embarrassed that I kind of fell to pieces today, but grateful for all those (like my coach) that believe I can, even as I fail miserably!

Thank you to all the coaches out there who are helping their students with a lot more than simply teaching the mechanics of riding. I know mine earned her money tonight!

Tomorrow's another day...onwards and upwards, right?
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18 comments

  1. There is so much more to riding then just getting on the horse. Our brains & emotions can be our biggest asset or enemy. I love how others have opinions about whether you are able to work from home or not. It's no one's business!

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  2. Ughhhh - corporate bullshit is horrid. I feel your pain. You're coach sounds like a good one and I'm glad you pushed through your ride. Sometimes that is literally all we can ask of ourselves.

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    1. My coach is great. My work less so, lol

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  3. Oh man that sucks about work. It can really drain the life out of your day to have to deal with that kind of crap. Sounds like your coach is awesome and really helped :)

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  4. That circle of death approach may be the key to getting through a lot of life's difficulties. Or fetal position. I am definitely a huge fan of the later. :P Best of luck with all the tough things.

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    1. Pretty sure if you can master the circle of death on a strange horse you're like instant jedi master level or something and then real life has no relevance :)

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  5. Hugs, I'm sorry you had some crummy days, and I'm holding out hope that you get the job in your town.

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    1. It's not meant to be, but I'm going to be ok with that.

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  6. the whole situation with things falling apart with isabel happened around the same time i was undergoing a lot of change and stress in my professional life. sometimes i wonder just how deeply intertwined the two things were. it's just really really hard to compartmentalize all that external stress even when we deeply want to be able to let it go and escape to our ponies. wishing you the best of luck in figuring out the right balance for yourself!

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    1. It's all really intertwined, at least for me.

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  7. Sending hugs and lots of positive work/life balance related thoughts :)

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  8. Aww, that life stuff sounds sucky. Here's hoping the bugs get worked out with the working from home plan and that can give you the balance you need. Hang in there!

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